Posts tagged anxiety

I Haz Sad

i am sad today

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had an ultrasound and it looks like things aren’t moving as quickly as they should

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i don’t really know what that means

or if that will have any effects on the cycle

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the doc just said that since my cycles are usually irregular

it may just take a little longer to grow the follicles

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they upped my meds

so hopefully that’ll help

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sigh.

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Panic At the Disco!: My First Day of Injections

tuesday was my first day of hormone injections

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it did not go very well…

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first of all, what do I look like,

a nurse?

a scientist?

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they have me mixing my own medications!

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it’s not that I mind

it’s just that I don’t trust myself!

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nurses go to school for this sort of thing

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and I’m supposed to do it correctly from one class that I took back in March?

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my first mistake, was I didn’t re-read the instructions from that class

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if I had, I would have noticed the first step

(which is very un-intuitive):

suck up 1ml of air into the syringe

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BEFORE you stick the needle into the saline

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what I ended up with was a syringe full of meds plus about 0.5ml of air at the top

kind of like this

kind of like this

all I remember during the needle class

is “make sure there aren’t any air bubbles!”

i didn’t know what to do

undecided

should i throw it all away and start over?

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or risk injecting myself with air?

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i ended up choosing the latter

and obvs i didn’t die

BUT

i had a “vasovagal response” immediately after injection

you know, the kind where the world feels like this

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i only read that nausea, vomiting, and headache were possible side effects

NOT PANIC!!!

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Unable to Complete Requested Action

for the past month

my life has been on pause

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about a month ago i interviewed for a very important job

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haven’t heard back yet

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i also haven’t gotten my

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period. why can’t i just say period?

in almost three months

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and, if you’ve been following along,

i need to get it to start ivf!

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sigh.

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i think this remote is broken.

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Your Future-Trip is Canceled

today i made the mistake of reading some other ivf blogs

some of them describe, in great detail, the side effects of ivf hormones

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i’m not sure why, but those hormones are the scariest part of ivf for me

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obvs pregnancy and childbirth will be much more difficult

Try to stay off your feet until after the baby's born.

i understand that rationally, but i still get the heebie-jeebies

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so i googled “ivf injectible side effects”

because i’m a moron

comedian john mulaney

comedian john mulaney

but then i came upon some articles that said most women don’t have serious side effects

and some even feel better on hormones!

303891 but, that’s not the point

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i get lost in my head thinking about this stuff

aka future-tripping

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and i need to stay in the moment

take it one day at a time

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breaking difficult things down into smaller parts

can make them less scary

"anatomy of a monster" by chunkysmurf

“anatomy of a monster”
by chunkysmurf

i need to focus on now

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i feel a hollowness in my chest from reading those other blogs

but it will pass

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it always does.

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Paranoid

the other day, i was on the A train

and somebody’s alarm started to go off

it went beep

beep

beep

for about a minute

a wave of anxiety started to build up in my chest

because, as we know from movies

beeps = bombs

to my dismay, the beeping started to get faster

beep beep

beep beep

beep beep

and i actually thought

“this is the last moment of my life”

then it stopped

i got off the train and continued with my day

…i might have an anxiety problem…

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